the neapolitan500 sketch journal: January 2006

As is common with most sane people, I fucking hate chain e-mails. Send me one, and you can be sure that I'll make it my mission in life to make it exceedingly difficult for you to urinate. Nothing fancy. Just a quick jab to the kidneys.

However, there comes a rare occasion when I receive a chain letter so repulsive that merely bruising your bladder would not sate my desire to make life extremely uncomfortable for you. The following is such a case. I won't name the sender, suffice to say that if he/she is reading this, you know who you are, assgoblin.

The e-mail itself was cunningly preceded with a biting warning that was so Machiavellian in it's deliverance that I just have to reproduce it here in all it's original, unedited glory. In case any of you poor souls were considering ignoring the golden nuggets of counsel contained within, let this serve as fair warning:

(FROM THIS POINT IN, ALL TEXT FROM THE CHAIN LETTER WILL APPEAR IN RED.)

Hey Y'all!!! I got this from one of my good friends Good will happen!!! LISTEN TO THIS LETTER AND GOOD LUCK!!!!! Sorry, but this chain letter is for real. When Anne Wichert got it for the first time, she ignored it and a week later the love of her life dumped her for no good reason so BEWARE, and just send the stupid letter!!!!!!

Don't let the liberal use of exclamation points, implied hillbilly drawl and playful self-degradation fool you. This is serious stuff. Ignoring this letter will create an unstoppable relationship-destroying curse that will haunt you for no good reason.

Anywhat, the letter continues with a touching mini-poem or "poetta", before launching into the real meat and potatoes.

The Lovers of the Heart
In order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the mighty hug to promote to whom we please but one kiss.

Daring prose, to be sure. If that doesn't get you in the mood, nothing will. On with the letter.

Article 1: The Kiss

1. Kiss on the hand = I adore you
2. Kiss on the cheek = I just want to be friends
3. Kiss on the neck = I want you
4. Kiss on the lips = I love you
5. Kiss on the ears = I am just playing

This guide to reading the true meaning behind different types of kisses seems okay, but it's too general for my taste. Here's my revised version, which I think is much truer to life:

Article 1: The Kiss
1. Kiss on the hand = I can't find a napkin
2. Kiss on the cheek = I get to kiss you without seeming like a pervert
3. Kiss on the neck = I am a vampire
4. Kiss on the lips = Let's make with the sex, already
5. Kiss on the ears = I am drunk/blind

On with the letter:

Article 2: The Three Steps
1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him.
2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good.
3. Guys & Girls: Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare.

While it's been a while since I've "gotten fresh" with the ladies, I still think that steps 1 and 2 are a little biased. Any set of rules that basically gives girls a license to physically assault guys without fear of consequence just doesn't sit right with me. I wonder how many times a girl has to slap me before I can slap her back, preferably with the back of my hand. That may sound sexist or politically incorrect to you, but the girl should be fine with it, as it would be quite clear that "my intentions are still good."

Although the third step may seem like unnecessary filler, it's actually quite important, what with the increased number of unintentional ear-kissing that's been going on lately.

Let's jump back in, shall we?

Article 3: The Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard.
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, but take one.
3. Thou shall kiss at every opportunity.

The religious connotations of this "article" clearly denote that these guidelines of love are doubly important, and are to be held in the utmost reverence. Although, I would like a little more clarity on the first commandment – thou shall not squeeze *what* too hard? I guess that's left to reader interpretation. It also seems to me that commandment number 2 may be a chief cause of all this slapping business. And commandment 3 just seems downright impractical – although it would make funerals a little more interesting.

Onward!

Here are a few reasons why guys like girls:
1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way they call you after you just had a big fight.
3. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later....
4. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
5. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"
6. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...
7. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
8. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
9. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
10. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt. (even though we don't admit it)!
11. The way they say "I miss you"
12. The way you miss them
13. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....

Sensing a pattern here? Something tells me that this chain letter wasn't written by someone with two types of chromosomes. I'd like to revise that list with my own version. Actually, scratch that, all I need to do is change the title to:

Here are a few reasons why girls annoy the shit out of guys.

I can't keep up this charade any longer. According to the logic of that list, all guys are a bunch smelly assholes who are so under the thumb that their entire face is covered with an enormous thumbprint.

And so, the e-mail is done dispensing its valuable advice. Next comes the inevitable denouement.

This chain started in 1997.
It is a love chain letter.

Thanks for clarifying that.

In an hour you are supposed to send it to 25 people. It is easy, just look into chat rooms and find them.

I'm sure those 25 strangers will really appreciate the effort you went to.

Next, as if annoying random strangers wasn't bad enough, the letter suggests you dabble in black magic so that your will be done:

Now here comes the fun part. You then say the name of the person you like or love and then the person will say "I love you," or "Will you go out with me?"

Imagine the family gatherings:

GRANDKID: "How you and grandpa get together?"
GRANDMA: "Well, a chain letter advised me to put a curse on your grandpa, and the next day he proposed to me."
GRANDPA: "I love you. Will you go out with me?"
GRANDMA: "Quiet, dear."

Just in case you were thinking that this whole chain letter was some sort of prank, the author's stunning command of the English language assures otherwise:

NO JOKE!!!!!

And just when you thought you were getting the deal of a lifetime without any consequences:

NOW THE CONSEQUENCES
The consequences are: If you break the chain letter, you will have bad luck in future relationships. If you don't break the chain, then you will be a happy camper!!!

Bad luck? I must remember not to play any games of poker with my future girlfriends.

CoNgRatULaTioNs!! You have been chosen to participate in the LONGEST and the LUCKIEST chain letter on the Internet! Once you read, this letter you must IMMEDIATELY (meaning within the hour) be sent to 25 people After you send it, make a wish and it will come TRUE
YOU MAY NOT WAIT FOR A CERTAIN TIME TO SEND IT........
REMEMBER, IT MUST BE SENT TO 25 PEOPLE WITHIN 1 HOUR, OR YOUR WISH WILL NOT COME TRUE!
If THIS CHAIN LETTER IS CONTINUED UNTIL THE YEAR 2006, IT WILL BE PLACED IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS! PLEASE CONTINUE IT NOW!!!

As if the promise of undying love from your person of choice wasn't enough for you to be convinced, you, yes YOU could play a part in getting this letter in the record book! Wow!

*WARNING* IF YOU DO NOT PASS THIS ON, SOMETHING BAD OR WORSE WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.

I shudder to think what "or worse" could pertain to.

And now, the thrilling conclusion:

*NOTE* THE MORE PEOPLE YOU SEND THIS TO THE MORE LUCK YOU WILL HAVE IN YOUR LOVE LIFE. IF YOU BREAK THE CHAIN LETTER (IT HAS BEEN GOING SINCE 1997) YOU WILL HAVE BAD LUCK WITH YOUR LOVE LIFE FOR SEVEN YEARS.THIS IS NO JOKE. GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Ignoring the fact that someone was actually able to pen this monstrosity, the fact that people actually felt the need to forward it gives me less confidence in the stability of the human race. I mean, I know there are idiots out there, but this...

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Now excuse me while I go scouring the chat rooms for strangers' e-mail addresses.